climbing branches of higher learning.

I've been mulling with my thoughts a lot lately. Yes, that's nothing new, as I'm doing it almost all the time – never mind during this pandemic. Thinking and pondering things, albeit messily and not in order, is just something humans are wired to do anyway. However, as I've mentioned, there's the keyword: a lot. It gives me a headache just to think about it, so I'm just going to try and get it out of the way.
Here's what's in my brain right now:

• My baby daughter. What is she going to eat, is she going to eat it or spray it, is her metabolism going to be okay, is she going to be okay today and every day, what is my mom (and nanny) going to say about the choices I've made today, is she getting enough sleep... my list of worries never ends when it comes to her. It even comes as far as doubting my own convictions as a mother. I find myself asking, am I doing it right? Am I mothering right?

•  I've been spending a lot of money for someone who's currently jobless. Naturally, this should come as some sort of a slap in the face, a wake up call, a revelation along the lines of "I'm getting anxious just sitting here on my fat bum all day doing nothing". Which, if you can't tell already from the way I've been writing until now, is exactly it. Anxiety. I'm anxious all the time, however smartly I hide it under the guise of motherhood and daily routines. I get that it's the pandemic so it is completely normal for me to slightly feel like I'm off the rails, but that doesn't stop the whirrings in my brain that are practically screaming for me to do something, anything. Aside from looking for jobs, this perpetually lethargic state of mind also awakens another need in me...

• ... which is, learning. I've been having this urge to learn something, add some value in myself. Perhaps it's the identity crisis talking, the question every mother asks, "Who am I outside of being a mother?" This need to prove myself of being a 'worthy individual', the one I and especially my daughter can be proud of one day, is almost visceral. So, yes, I've got several years of work experience under my belt. I've proven that I can write and edit things really well, learned several important skills in what was once foreign fields or industries (design, tech, marketing, content to name a few), but... what's next? I can bake and I'm sure if I put my mind to it – and if given a free reign in the kitchen, mostly – then I'll master cooking for myself and my family as well. Again, what's next? I need to feed my brain, obviously. I need to be absorbing as much knowledge as I possibly can and be a learned person. 

All of these haphazard thoughts bring me to this morning, where I finally enrolled to a course in Coursera called Creative Thinking: Techniques and Tools for Success. I remember back at my previous job, I wanted to acquire these skills so bad in order to be better at my job and not feel like a total fraud compared to everyone I worked with. So, apparently, here's my chance at last. I am taking only one course for now to see how it goes first, since I need to pay to have a certificate (which is fair enough). 
I'm now buzzing with emotions, excited-slash-scared to go through the course. One thing's for sure, it'll take me back to my college years where, despite all the odds and trials, were one of the most exciting phases in my life. 

© Photo by redcharlie on Unsplash