boredom is costly.
What do you do when you are just stuck in a rut? When everything in your life just seems so... even the word boring doesn't quite cover it. You feel so listless, restless, itching for a whole new experience that will finally, finally, make you feel satisfied or at the very least, content. However, you know as well as I do that I often say this. I get bored very often and complain a whole lot about it while seemingly not doing anything. Not that anyone would know how hard I try anyway, I don't even talk about this to my closest friends.
Other than the less-than-satisfactory job, I often wonder where this restlessness comes from. Is it my lack of emotional contentment quota? My lack of personal achievements? Lack of eye-opening experience such as traveling or doing a charity program? Maybe I should join a community or something to make me feel more alive. It sucks that I keep feeling this way for the most part of my 20s. Back in my teenage years, it was about feeling lost and trying to find who you are (cheesy, but true). All those years wallowing in teenage angst, trying to find and define your own person. Now that I'm into my late 20s, I know and I've accepted who I am, but that feeling of being lost has changed into a kind of emptiness.
Hmm. Sounds dangerous, doesn't it? I am 26 years old, for goodness sake. I shouldn't be feeling empty, I should be at the prime of my life! Let me tell you once again, it sucks. I am not one to envy my friends' fortunes, but honestly, I do envy how it seems like they've all got it together. They are not falling apart (not that I am, but I know people who are close to the edge.) Fine, you'll argue with me and say that, "Of course they seem to get it together, only because you see it through your own lens - you have absolutely no idea what they are going through, all the shit they have to deal with, to get that 'picture perfect' you seem to see."
Everyone is fighting their own battles. I have to constantly remind myself of that, it's a humbling experience. (Off-topic, I've come to hate the word 'humble' so much. That word is overrated.) ANYWAY, I digress. This is not about other people, this post is frickin' about ME and I would like to be a selfish bitch for now, thank you very much.
It's a good time to actually ask myself, "Y'know, maybe it IS actually you, not other people." I'll be the first to admit that I'm absolutely crap at communicating with people, especially people I love (not necessarily romantically, but yes, that includes lovers and stuff). I confuse pure honesty with being mean and inconsiderate. I used to pride myself for being sarcastic, as it sets me apart from other people, and creates something that is uniquely me. Now that I've hurt people because of that? Not so much. I want to say what I mean, and I always try to do so, but in the end it comes out all patchy, clumsy, hurting the person in the process. Fuck that, man.
It saddens me because you know, there are certain times when I'm being completely honest and say things clearly, only to have the other person reject that completely and brand me as being mean and rude. That took a lot of courage out of me, and now that that happened, I'm more inclined to hold my tongue. My stupid mouth shouldn't be allowed to open and say things.
Damn it all to hell, I really didn't mean to sound so emo. But that seems to be the pattern whenever I post here: after all, it is easier to vent about your frustration and anger rather than about your happiness. Maybe when you no longer see writing on this blog after a looong long time - that means one thing: I'm happy.
Be happy for me when that time comes.
© Photo by Clarisse Meyer on Unsplash
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