numb.

I won't even bother censoring myself, or even put a second thought into what I type here in this entry. I won't edit myself. Not this time.

Let's just put it this way: I'm sad. Right now, I couldn't be more happy and sad at the same time.

I'd been spending one of the greatest birthdays in my life, something I haven't had the luxury to experience in quite some time, when that bloody text showed up. 2 years ago, or even as recently as 6 months ago, that was the text I kept waiting for. Like a puppy, just perpetually anticipating something, anything, from him. He could've said anything, we could've talked about nothing, and I still would've been filled with dreaded hope. Why dreaded? Because I wasn't supposed to be feeling that way at all. Because, no matter how much I'd hoped he would suddenly see the error of his ways and come back to me, he wouldn't. He never did.

End of relationships, as clean as they may seem at first, are always messy. Something is always calling you back. I keep saying that - and I believe this to be true - men may seem to be moving on faster than women, but they have a harder time to move forward. I think this is what happened here. Because suddenly, yes of course, right at the moment when I can feel myself be interested in someone who might feel the same, he comes back.

Only not in his entirety. The person I fell in love with was no longer there. Why all the anger? Why treat me like shit, even after all this time?

All that yelling, all those words, that I can't believe are coming out of your mouth, directed towards ME. Me, the girl who was (still is) actually treating you like a decent person. Me, the girl who you've claimed to love once. It drags me down, because I honestly believe you are a good person, with a lot of potential but just don't know it yet. It pains me, it truly does, to see you like this.

I am moving on, only because I believe you and I both deserve better. Please please please, find a nice person who will treat you well and vice versa. Most importantly? Let me find mine.

© Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash