the first day of my life.

I was looking for somewhere to post my thoughts as I hadn't done so in a while (judging by the timeline on this blog, three years, it would seem). I didn't feel like writing it in my diary, although it would've been much more therapeutic. Instead, here I am, typing away, click-clacking in the dark with my infant daughter, hopefully fast asleep, next to me.

Say what? Yes, I have a daughter, and she's absolutely perfect – even when she's being fussy. It catches you off guard, having a child. Sometimes, I would look at her and just marvel at the fact that she's here. She exists, she's crying, she's cooing, she's investigating with her curious eyes. I have a mini-me. I'm a mother. I have a daughter, someone who completely depends on me for her survival, someone who only existed as a figment of my imagination in a past life. I truly think that this will remain a mind-boggling fact to me, and I'll never get over it.

Not like this has never been brought up before, and I am certain that my opinion is nowhere near original, but... Being a mother simply changes you as a person. Especially now that my daughter's only a few months old, I only want to take care of her and just live vicariously through her, experiencing everything as if it's my first time. It's hard to care about anything else, including my job/career which has sort of always been a high priority to me. Not like I'm a workaholic, but I do spend the majority of my late 20s and early 30s to jump head first into my work, believing that it defines me.

Right now, work/career has definitely taken a backseat. Not to say I will let go of it completely, seeing that I need it to support my family, but if I were given a choice... I would. I'd rather be able to witness my daughter growing up, as opposed to succeed in whatever company I work for (let's be real, I'm never gonna be my own boss when it comes to picking a career). Being a mother really is a full-time job, and that won't change even if I hire a nanny. I intend for my daughter to be able to be proud of me from the first day of her life, and it means that while I can continue working, I will never let my job come in the way of being there for her.

© Photo by Irina Murza on Unsplash