you gotta be bold.

In life, you'll get several "itches" that you're longing to scratch every now and then, eventually leading you to make decisions you may regret (or not, for the better part). 

Mine, right now, is to own a home and settle down with my little family. Don't get me wrong, I love not having to pay mortgages, as well as having the company and support of my, well, "big" family. It's just that sometimes, I would look at sites such as Pinterest, or home decoration shows, or play on the Redecor app, and just dream of decorating my very own humble abode. I've even come close to looking at houses for sale once, but didn't follow through as it will make it too real. All in all, it's very conflicting: on one hand, I want my freedom and the feeling as though "I've finally made it", but on the other hand, I am reluctant to truly leave this nest that I've inhabited since I was little. It doesn't take a genius to see the situation here: I'm scared to go out of my comfort zone.

It just so happens that aside from the truly real housing situation, this applies to my professional situation as well. I'm just going to say it: being laid off, even if you're handed a nice severance package, sucks. I'm certainly not going to look back and overthink every situation, wondering where or what I did wrong. I know it's not my fault. We're currently living during a pandemic, the worst in centuries, so I think it goes without saying that everyone will cut each other some slack during these times. Yes, we understand that the company had indeed taken all measures needed and ultimately were presented with no other choice but to let go of several employees. Yes, we understand that we are being compensated handsomely under so-and-so government regulations. No, I will not badmouth or sue the company for letting me go. No, I have no other questions, that will be all. 

Be that as it may, I find myself being swayed through various emotions. When I got the email invite, I knew what was going to happen. I readied myself, I conducted myself with composure and diginity when they told me. Some even praised me as "mature". Back then, I even laughed about it, telling myself things such as, "I'll have some time to truly take care of my baby", "I've wanted to resign for a while anyway, this is better", so on and so forth. I was not prepared, however, to feel something I couldn't quite pinpoint until recently. I think some would call it as melancholy. Being laid off during these times means that changes of a big magnitude happened abruptly without my consent or planned beforehand. I wasn't quite as prepared as I thought I would be. I didn't get to say my piece, like I would have had I resigned. I remember having written my farewell speech on the last page of my agenda a while ago. I never got to say any of that, not to the people I've had a more intense relationship with even compared to my own family for the past 3–4 years. I never got to say goodbye on my own terms. 

So I guess this is what I'm doing now, writing this as a form of closure (there'll be many others, I'm sure). It's helping a little bit. I just hope that this pandemic will be over sooner than later, so I can actually meet my (ex) coworkers and friends, and just have a good time saying goodbye as I turn another leaf in life. 

© Photo by Steffen Lemmerzahl on Unsplash