love, such a silly game we play.
I remember when I used to feel that way. It felt like it was ages ago, literally. I have to say that I'm one of those old-fashioned people who have this incredibly romantic, idealistic idea of love. I like and enjoy all stages of it: crush, infatuation, affection, love, heartbreak, hurt, anger, despair, indifference, and finally, just toleration and peace. Each stage permits you to grow in a way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss it, so much. These days I just think I'm acting like a robot. Wake up each day to eat, drink, erase and rewind. No feelings whatsoever. Haha, sounds dangerously like I'm desperate, which I probably am. You would be, if you haven't had ~romantic feelings~ for anyone for 5 years. Has it really been that long?
You know, I have no excuse: I'm not super busy... yet, I'm not a commitment-phobe (or maybe I am), nor have I decided to suddenly change ~direction in my sexual preferences, if you know what I mean. I'm not in any stage of confusion (except trying to figure myself out and what I want for my future, but that's neither here nor there and shall be discussed in another post), nor am I engaging myself to be a nun for the rest of my life.
So what the hell's keeping me from taking that jump and just allow myself be sickeningly happy for a change? What's wrong with me (ooooh, let's not go there)?
Here's what I think: I'm not unattractive. I am certain that I am attractive, I just don't want to start comparing myself to other women because it's gonna get ugly. A friend of mine recently said that when I walk down the streets, I make myself look "unavailable" to men. Somebody please explain to me what he meant by that. How could you even make yourself look unavailable? I don't think you would want me to start wearing shirts that say, "HI, SUPER-MEGA-FOXY-AWESOME-HOT CHICA RIGHT HERE. CALL ME AND WE'LL HAVE A GOOD TIME!", only so you could tell that I'm actually available.
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