i have decided that i
I have decided that I will be more, umm... What's the word? Diligent? In updating this blog. I have realized (what I did even when I first started, but failed to follow through) that writing my thoughts on this sort-of-diary relaxes me. I don't even care who's reading. Friends, lovers, complete strangers. Be my guest. *takes a bow* Oh, but first, I need to say something. I've been angry in my last couple of posts, not to mention just... pathetic, talking about a lost love. I cringe, I cringe. But I had to go through that. I hope this time, you'll look at this post and think it's more reflective than pitiful.
Anyhoo, there's something that's been bothering me for a while.
Why do I feel more comfortable writing my thoughts here than actually sharing them with, you know, people? A failed relationship, this time, has its benefits: I think a lot, lot more about my communication skills. He really slapped me in the face with what he said about me (and for that reason, he'll always be special even if he doesn't know it). Said I was rubbish at communicating, and that I have been dishonest, and that I've let him down. Phew. Rough, eh?
Look, I know I am definitely not the most talkative person on earth. I keep to myself, I rarely share about my woes, and those closest to me know that. When I do, I tend to feel a bit guilty for sharing. Weird. It's like I don't want to burden people I love with my silly problems. Should this be a reason I gave my ex, to defend myself? That I actually wasn't being dishonest, he just made me feel so damn confused with the way he was acting, because he really was keeping his distance with me? NO. It's not a reason. I guess, if I were him, I would definitely feel stung that after 9 months of being together, I still couldn't open up to him. But then again, he was not an angel, either. I believe he was honest with me, although in many ways, he wasn't. We're both to blame in this case.
The point is, his remarks hit so close to home. For someone I thought didn't know me well, he knew exactly where to hurt me the most, what I feel most insecure about. My people skills. The fact I'm almost like a robot, and I don't share with people. Although you know, I'd like to really confront him about me being dishonest. I hate to sound like a child, but it's not fair. He's being judgmental and he only knew me for about 10 months... But he made his choice: he gave up on me and didn't bother to fight for me.
... Wow, I'm talking about my ex again. Dammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammit. Clearly, I'm over him. *scoffs*
I swear I do think of other things. Things that make me happy. For example, today I:
- Spent more time with my sister. For instance, today we had Big Bite Hot Dogs (with loooots of cheese and chili) and Slurpee (for the first time, and nope, didn't like it one bit) from 711. That was for breakfast. For lunch, we had leftover pizzas and instant noodles, and Magnum ice cream. Ah, to be healthy.
- Learned something new. Stockholm syndrome: a phenomenon where hostages express empathy and positive feelings towards their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. Knew about this while I was reading on the Jaycee Lee Dugard case. (Which shall be discussed in another post because I am interested in those kinds of things.)
- Discovered that the concept of 'hope' is my favorite, beating even love and compassion. I am a firm believer, even if I think things actually happen when you stop hoping for it. Interesting.
- Needed new tunes, so I downloaded 3 albums. Heh, heh. First one is Ellie Goulding's "Lights". I've actually had a few of her songs downloaded already (and repeated again and again, she's my not-so-new favorite!), but I'm making it 'official' by downloading her whole album. Wish I could actually get the CD. Next one is I Blame Coco's "The Constant". Heard about her, and curious, so I decided to check her out. The last one, I picked out randomly, just because: Matt & Kim's "Sidewalks". Thought I'd be adventurous for once. Reviews coming up soon, I expect!
- Last but definitely not least: Ramadhan is upon us! I confess I'm not the best Muslim ever, but I do get more excited when the fasting month comes around. I get to try and be a better person! How great is that? And with this, I hope I could... (fill in the blanks).
Anyhoo, there's something that's been bothering me for a while.
Why do I feel more comfortable writing my thoughts here than actually sharing them with, you know, people? A failed relationship, this time, has its benefits: I think a lot, lot more about my communication skills. He really slapped me in the face with what he said about me (and for that reason, he'll always be special even if he doesn't know it). Said I was rubbish at communicating, and that I have been dishonest, and that I've let him down. Phew. Rough, eh?
Look, I know I am definitely not the most talkative person on earth. I keep to myself, I rarely share about my woes, and those closest to me know that. When I do, I tend to feel a bit guilty for sharing. Weird. It's like I don't want to burden people I love with my silly problems. Should this be a reason I gave my ex, to defend myself? That I actually wasn't being dishonest, he just made me feel so damn confused with the way he was acting, because he really was keeping his distance with me? NO. It's not a reason. I guess, if I were him, I would definitely feel stung that after 9 months of being together, I still couldn't open up to him. But then again, he was not an angel, either. I believe he was honest with me, although in many ways, he wasn't. We're both to blame in this case.
The point is, his remarks hit so close to home. For someone I thought didn't know me well, he knew exactly where to hurt me the most, what I feel most insecure about. My people skills. The fact I'm almost like a robot, and I don't share with people. Although you know, I'd like to really confront him about me being dishonest. I hate to sound like a child, but it's not fair. He's being judgmental and he only knew me for about 10 months... But he made his choice: he gave up on me and didn't bother to fight for me.
... Wow, I'm talking about my ex again. Dammitdammitdammitdammitdammitdammit. Clearly, I'm over him. *scoffs*
I swear I do think of other things. Things that make me happy. For example, today I:
- Spent more time with my sister. For instance, today we had Big Bite Hot Dogs (with loooots of cheese and chili) and Slurpee (for the first time, and nope, didn't like it one bit) from 711. That was for breakfast. For lunch, we had leftover pizzas and instant noodles, and Magnum ice cream. Ah, to be healthy.
- Learned something new. Stockholm syndrome: a phenomenon where hostages express empathy and positive feelings towards their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. Knew about this while I was reading on the Jaycee Lee Dugard case. (Which shall be discussed in another post because I am interested in those kinds of things.)
- Discovered that the concept of 'hope' is my favorite, beating even love and compassion. I am a firm believer, even if I think things actually happen when you stop hoping for it. Interesting.
- Needed new tunes, so I downloaded 3 albums. Heh, heh. First one is Ellie Goulding's "Lights". I've actually had a few of her songs downloaded already (and repeated again and again, she's my not-so-new favorite!), but I'm making it 'official' by downloading her whole album. Wish I could actually get the CD. Next one is I Blame Coco's "The Constant". Heard about her, and curious, so I decided to check her out. The last one, I picked out randomly, just because: Matt & Kim's "Sidewalks". Thought I'd be adventurous for once. Reviews coming up soon, I expect!
- Last but definitely not least: Ramadhan is upon us! I confess I'm not the best Muslim ever, but I do get more excited when the fasting month comes around. I get to try and be a better person! How great is that? And with this, I hope I could... (fill in the blanks).
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